Am I my own worst enemy?

This evening I've been reflecting on my life and where I've been the last few years.

Stronghold, according to Merriam-Webster it is 
1             :a fortified place

2a: a place of security or survivalone of the last strongholds of the ancient Gaelic language— George Holmesb: a place dominated by a particular group or marked by a particular characteristic

When I think of stronghold, I think of something that cannot be breached.  

I personally have a stronghold in my life that has been a barrier to my living.  Living a life that is full.  I've said "no" to God about this stronghold for so long, I've simply come to accept its presence in my life without argument, we'll call it "X".  It is a matter-of-fact that X remains and it appears nothing will move X.  My shear stubbornness has cost me.

I know X is standing in my way of a better relationship with God.  I know that X is standing in the way of my happiness.  Yet, I leave X where it is.

A few nights ago I was recounting in my thoughts this one piece, my stronghold, and how I know it's a problem.  Years ago I let X go.  Unfortunately my stronghold haunts me still because I took it back.

If you knew X was the only thing standing between you and a good relationship with God, would you do your best to remove it?

I leave X where it is because I consider my keeping it as more important than God.  And that my friends is shear stupidity, arrogance, and shamefulness.

"What if..." my thoughts began this evening, "What if removing X would mean I could have A?"  Is that enough?  Is it enough to motivate me?  I'm going to tell you that it stung a little.  Not as much as it should have, but it did.  Why?  Well, because A should not hold move value in my life than God does.  The point was well received.  I hear you Lord, I hear you.

A few weeks ago I told a friend that she didn't have anything to lose by letting God have her struggle.

Me either sister, me either.

Where does that leave me?  Trying to extricate myself for the mess that has been a battle entrenched in my life in various ways for 20+ years.

Dear ones, don't be me.  Give it up, whatever it is.  That piece that you hold so tightly to that you might suffocate in the process.

Before Dark

From the porch at dusk I watched

a kingfisher wild in flight

he could only have made for joy.

He came down the river, splashing

against the water's dimming face

like a skipped rock, passing

on down out of sight.  And still

I could hear the splashes

farther and farther away

as it grew dark.  He came back

the same way, dusky as his shadow,

sudden beyond the willows.

The splashes went on out of hearing

It was dark then.  Somewhere

the night had accommodated him

--at the place he was headed for

or where, led by his delight,

he came.

~Wendell Berry

Imitation of Christ -1

Thomas A'Kempis

"Let therefore our chief endeavor be, to meditate upon the life of Jesus Christ."1

"But whosoever would fully and feelingly understand the words of Christ, must endeavor to conform his life wholly to the life of Christ."  John 8:12

"Whose knoweth himself well, is lowly in his own sight and delighteth not in the praises of men."2

"If thou thinkest that thou understandest and knowest much; know also that there be many things more which thou knowest not.

Do not seem to be otherwise, but rather acknowledge thine own ignorance."3

I found this book in a used book store in an airport.  I like it, it's been an interesting and heavy read.  Lots to ponder and push and prod me into really examining who I am and whose I am.

Mostly, I just wanted to share from the first few pages, those items that stood out to me in a big way.  All too often Christians claim something we aren't working towards... to be Christ-like.  The one who despite all the unkind ways in which people treated him, never once lashed out at people with hate-filled words.

We each have so much to learn.

____________________________________________________

1-The Imitation of Christ by Thomas a Kempis; edited by Paul M. Bechtel.  Moody Press, 1984, p. 23.

2-Ibid., p. 25.
3-Ibid., p. 26.

Honduras Reflection

Four local and three foreign mission trips and each time I walk away with something different.

What touched my heart most was a quick visit on Sunday to see Carlos and his family.  This beautiful family that gave so much to us last year.

It was a surprise visit you see, there were no calls first, just a pop in and see what has been happening over the last year.  And after everyone had hugged and said "hello" and we had taken pictures.  We shared a few whispers and determined that Carlos was turning 12 that next week.  We were going to stand around him sing "happy birthday"--that beautiful child who worked so hard on his home last year... heard our singing and started crying.

My heart broke.  

Our country has so many advantages, and my life was full of good opportunities.  I had gifts for every birthday--we didn't have much growing up, but I did have a roof... and food... and gifts on my birthday and at Christmas.  My sweet nieces and nephews get gifts from all of us each year.

I was overwhelmed with a sense of purity.  That precious child was so grateful for our singing in a language he didn't know.  My heart broke, but it was full.

"My commandment is this – to love one another just as I have loved you." John 15:12

What does it mean...

What does it mean to have "inexpressible joy"?  Better yet, what is it?

When I chose that title it wasn't because I'm a happy-go-lucky person... it's actually based on scripture.

Quick story: Sometimes those well-planned public speaking events don't go smoothly.  I had everything set... two balloons, a lit candle and an audience.

The balloons had smiling face.  Each balloon represented a Christian.

When held over the candle, the first balloon popped.

Heat added to a Christian's life can sometimes steal our joy--sometimes those unhappy, or hurtful events in our lives can take away the joy that we have as Christians.  It shouldn't if we are firmly grounded in God.

The second balloon didn't pop (when I practiced anyhow), why not?  Because it had 1/4 cup of water in it to represent the presence of God and the more time we spend in his presence the harder it is to let heat that enters take away that joy. 

Joy is used roughly 170 times in the Old and New Testaments

"I have told you these things so that my joy may be in you, and your joy may be complete." 
John 15:11

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A joy that is about being God's own.  Not about material possessions, or money, or societal status--rather, knowing whose you are.

"You have not seen him, but you love him. You do not see him now but you believe in him, and so you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy," I Peter 1:8

Indescribable, glorious, inexpressible, complete joy found in the presence of a set apart Creator who loves us, loves me, despite our foibles and faults.

Strive for inexpressible joy in your daily life! (Even when there's heat, especially when there's heat.)


(credit for the object lesson goes to the internet and resourceful people everywhere... unfortunately I can't find where I'd seen it first!--Google it sometime.)

Fit for this job…

Yesterday at work I began to question further my ability to work with children in high stress situations.

Why? Well because there were two young people in the library. A dating couple, the young man was rather loud and in her face. The young lady was quiet, and flinched when he got so close I could barely see air between them.

Clearly they have a history. I do not pretend to know it all, but what portions I do know based upon their frequent visits and my instincts, suggests a less than pleasant relationship. So after his exit and return from the building (at least ten times) and a brief conversation with her in the bathroom, I called the police.

You see, I left my position at the circulation desk while he was barring her way into the bathroom… walked straight up to them and stated, “You need to let her go.” In that split second wherein the words left my mouth and I began to question my ability to MAKE him let her go, I realized I had no way of truly defending her, or myself. He isn’t a big guy (praise the Lord) and he had enough sense to let her go. But still, he was angry and I didn’t have any other words to say.

I just don’t know if I am capable of dealing with that kind of incident with parents involved, or even with several youth or children. I mean really, I get seriously emotional. Not just tears, but anger and frustration.

That aside, in a library filled with people I am beyond baffled that not one other person bothered to step up and help that girl.

“Or is it that man contains within himself the seeds of evil. That even if he is placed in a paradise perfectly formed for him, he will poison it, slowly with his own jealousies and desires. I fear it may be that we blame the prison for our own corruption […].”

“Incarceron” by Catherine Fisher

"Work began immediately in typical American style, without too much paperwork or bureaucratic fuss." Around the World in 80 Days by Jules Verne


(Currently I am listening to all manner of class literature available through the library, I heard this statement and chuckled... doesn't that make 1873 sound preferable to our current state of affairs is Washington with concerns to all things political and financial for our country? Sounds good anyway...)

It got better: "The speed with which the track was laid would not at all affect the quality of its construction."

Ah yes, speed and quality ;-)

The Christian’s dilemma

Conversation allows for outlet, conveyance of ideas, and sometimes the beginning of action.

Scenario:

You know a family in need. So for those who are of a giving nature, or who are generous, the response ought to be to help wherever you can. Makes sense, right? Love God, love people… love is action.

Broaden the scope of your view and you see that: The need is perpetuated by bad decisions on the part of the family members. Now what? Do you still help? Or do you stand back and say, “it’s their fault, let them fix it.” or “why doesn’t the church take a more active role in helping this family?”

Aside: “why doesn’t the church…” who is the church?

When you hear God call, no matter the circumstances, you answer that call and you either obey or you ignore. When you ignore, you run the risk of distancing yourself from God.

Our choices are our choices, and that $5 that God prompts you to hand to the homeless man in the parking lot should be given to that man without questioning what he will do with it. That man has his own set of choices to make.

Your job is to listen and obey.

The future

A month ago a friend and I were talking about the future and wishing sometimes that we could see what lay ahead.

We want to control so badly the direction our lives go. We want to be informed! As if by some right, we deserve to know. But what are the limitations of this knowledge? Who would lay the groundwork for what is known and what is obscured?

Often we ask God for an explanation of our circumstances—begging…, pleading…, crying out for a chance to see what these experiences hold for us. When we ask however, it is usually out of pain, anguish, or confusion.

But let’s step back to that filter, how could we just know the one outcome? Wouldn’t we be exposed to more? Being closer to omniscient than any of us desire to be.

Several weeks after the conversation, I had this flash of the future appear in response to a thought/prayer in my head. It was at once definitely certain and utterly horrible in it’s pronouncement. The thought is one I will not share with anyone because, God help me, I hope it was only an example of why I don’t need to know everything.

We would mourn before we were supposed to… we would attempt to change future events, in general we would be our meddlesome human selves attempting to alter what stretches out before us.

So as not to end negatively, perhaps you could think of the things you wish to do, the legacy you want to leave behind and live it. Today.

Be ashamedly peculiar.

1 Peter 2:9-10 But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own peculiar people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; who once were not a people but are now the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy.

Walk by faith not by sight

Over the years I’ve had many conversations about outreach and inreach… one stands out right now, this man once shot down a woman who said she could not donate money for Bibles. She said instead that she would pray for the project. Mind you this was a chatroom conversation and so you know that this woman has some access to a computer, possibly her own. Not something I would take for granted, she may be living off the smallest amount of money possible and here is someone tell her that prayer is not enough… I was disappointed, his point was that there was always a way to help out beyond prayer and that you could FIND a Bible to donate if you were persistent. And I agree, but instead of making someone feel badly for not having that kind of disposable income, pointing them towards that place he knew of that would donate a Bible would have been more productive and uplifting.

Never presume to know what one person can do. That’s called arrogance.

Have a little faith, you faithless one.

Easier said than done, you say? Okay, so work on your faith muscle and don’t compare apples to oranges. Share your knowledge and rejoice that God has given you insight where others lack.

Island revisited

Christians are a disheartening lot. Whichever way the wind is blowing that’s the way they bend. I pause to question if that’s what I’m doing right now. My heart is trouble. What I want more than anything is to quit this thing called “church” or “corporate worship.”

The problem is that this I am the one considering these options. ME… and I pause because what if God has a plan that I cannot see in the middle of all the junk, what if right now the lesson I should be learning is that leaving conflict and confrontation behind at this church will only find me in the same state with different people at a different church?

I’m 30, I’ve watched people come and go in church my entire life… I didn’t notice it much until I was about 13, but it’s a trend. The fashionable thing to do… search for a church… try it on and decide if it’s a good “fit” for the individual or family. God is not apparel, so why do we do this?

My speculation would be that because we are fault-filled, sinful, selfish people we look out for ourselves before we consider the God-sized picture surrounding our lives—this world so much bigger than you or me.

Mind you, it is not the intention of this post to claim leaving one church for a different church is not of God motivated. Surely God moves us from our place of complacency to one of action and sometimes that means a different body of believers in a different geographical location (even if that location is just a few blocks away).

I simply fight the battle of those who desire to leave the extra junk behind and do the work God gives us without adding to it, “church” is not always the best example or facilitator to doing the Lord’s will.

Wistfully I think, “An island would sure be nice.”

Send me a revelation

I was listening to a song on the radio Monday at lunch… sitting in my car looking out the window… the bush beside my parents house is over run with honeysuckle vines…

The man in the song was asking to be given a revelation from God--the thoughts crossing my mind where… it’s so bright and green and beautiful and then for second my eyes refocused and I saw the dirt on the window… and so I rolled it down and there it was, even more bright with white and yellow flowers.

We compromise all the time, allowing our idea of what is good to get in the way of what God has given to us. Which is very good and devoid of dirt and scratches or any other thing that might mar it’s beauty.

We have no idea what their state of heart is unless we talk to them....

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black tile
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
Are those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Chorus:
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide whats underneath
Theres a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
To ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work
He's buying time

Are those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Chorus

I've been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all alone
Brandon Heath

SL is not "inner city" like some places, but it's got some very rough neighborhoods. And the children within them are so precious--the lives they lead are so sad... heartbreaking really.

Brothers and sisters from different parents all over the place, drug using family members, parents in jail, run down houses (that look bad on the outside, and if they look bad on the outside, what must the inside look like?).

Their honesty and forerightness in telling stories from home of fighting with siblings... not the sort of a fighting I grew up being engaged in... maybe tumbling a little onto the floor, not so for many of them more like knock-down, drag-out and then:
"he peed in my shoes"
"well, why didn't you were a differen't pair of shoes"
"because I don't have any other shoes, we share, today it was my day to wear these". (6 and 8 were the ages for those two boys)
---
"she smacked my face against the wall because she thought I stole her CDs" (8 and 12 are the ages for the second set).

Very little parental input, very little support for schoolwork... no direction...

So this is FBC's mission field and some of the members of the church have been there so long they've forgotten that their little world isn't all there is... that pain and suffering surround us and sometimes we just need to take off the blinders....

So do me a favor and reread that chorus:

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

May this be your prayer, may this be your burden.... They are dying, do you care? If you said yes in your head, then what are you doing to prove it?

Point to Ponder

If you purchase something from the store, it's yours. That means you get to choose how to use it.

Is this correct?

If you are in agreeance, hold onto your hat.

Christ bought us with his life, a very high price for ones so lowly as we. This translates simply: I have no right to tell God what I'm going to do with my life. It isn't mine anymore. Wow...

Nameless entry

I read a blog yesterday and it made me sad. The man opened it a year ago, he was married when he started it and very much interested in a woman from work. You may wonder why I was sucked into reading about this person who so clearly was opening up his secret thoughts to the whole world. Well, probably because at first it sounded like a crush who was too shy to act, but upon scanning other entries I learned he was married at the first signs of interest in this young woman and that he was headed towards divorce.

What brings us as people to share things on a public forum that we would be embarrassed to share face-to-face?

Two years ago a friend posted on the very same subject. I remember letting that process and knowing that in fact a faceless entry to a world unknown, is an outlet, but how much information is too much? Do I really need to know he’s talking about an affair? Do I want to know? Why can't people write those kinds of things down in a real journal or at least a typed journal that the public doesn’t get to see, perhaps something saved only to the hard drive of the computer?

I pop in on the world of other blogs (and the wider internet for that matter) because now and then I find amazing artists. People who use worlds like a paintbrush or who take photographs that leave me speechless—revealing the awesome beauty of the world God created. The hazard is that the world, online and “irl” is full of humans, base, shameless humans who would contort and twist the wonders of any world into ugliness.

So take the good with the bad, just make sure to discard the latter.

God Speaking

Have you ever heard a love song, that set your spirit free?
Have you ever watched a sunrise and felt you could not breathe?
What if it’s Him. What if it’s God speaking?

Have you ever cried a tear that you could not explain?
Have you ever met a stranger who already knew your name?
What if it’s Him. What if it’s God speaking?

Who knows how He’ll get a hold of us?
Get our attention to prove He is enough.
He’ll do, and He’ll use whatever He wants to.
To tell us, I Love You.

Have you ever lost a loved one
Who you thought should still be here?
Do you know what it feels like
to be tangled up in fear?
What if He’s somehow involved?
What if He’s speaking through it all?

Who knows how He’ll get a hold of us?
Get our attention to prove he is enough.
He’ll do and He’ll use whatever He wants to
To tell us, I love you.

His ways are higher
His ways are better
Though sometimes strange
What could be stranger than God in a manger?

Who knows how He’ll get a hold of us?
Get our attention to prove He is enough.
Who knows how He’ll get a hold of you?
Get your attention to prove he is enough.
He’ll do and He’ll use whatever He wants to,
To tell us I love you
God is speaking, I love you

~Mandisa

'"behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God" I John 3:1a

Nobody can love us like Jesus cuz He is love! God is good all the time. May you all have a very special day and know you are loved!'

A msg from my friend B that I thought you could use. Because while I too hold no meaning for this day of "love" in the sense of relationship with a significan other... God is awesome and he does love us so that's well worth mentioning.

Who's way is best?

Egocentrism, we studied it in psychology. I knew it existed before I studied--tho’ truth be told, I don’t believe I ever thought of it in those terms… that we limit ourselves and everyone that we meet to our points of reference, that our way of life is the way and any other way is foreign, or stupid or wrong. It’s a toughy, that stepping outside yourself and making yourself mindful and considerate of other ways of doing and thinking.

I’m not talking about tolerance, I’m talking about the way you were raised and that it was different than the way I was raised… that in my house we never mixed the peanut butter and jelly to make a pb&j sandwich, jelly went on one side and peanut butter on the other.

I say all of the above because two times in the recent past I’ve had conversations with the same youth who is limited in her scope of vision. She knows it all because she’s one of those youth… and she hears with filters on her ears, no matter how you say it, she hears it the way she wants and most often she’s ready to argue.

So the request is, don’t be ready to argue, not if you want to learn… open your eyes a little to those around you, get to know and truly care. Don’t whine and complain because other people live differently than you do and you can’t seem to “get along,” suck it up and make it work.

Talents

What does it mean to be humble? Is it simply someone who does not boast? Now I know there are many different talents in this world, but the sake of this post it’s all about art!

I was thinking about the difference between a friend of mine and myself. She very artistic, she paints, and she draws, she takes pretty cool pictures too. But when it comes down to putting a price on those things she’s so passionate about she can’t bring herself to do it. I on the other hand am practically minded, it cost me this much to buy the frame, this much to print the picture, this much for the mat it, I’m still not so great at “turning a profit” on it, but I can put a dollar amount on what I’m showing.

When I have the opportunity to take a picture I get so excited, but in the end when it’s shown to other people I see it as blessing that I was allowed to be a part of it… that one fraction of it was captured for a short time… because what is more amazing, what is more thrilling than being a part of and seeing the works of our Lord? Please know that any time I show you a picture, mine or someone else’s I see it as God’s beauty revealed, that any artist whose heart belongs to God is simply an instrument being given gifts to share with other people…

Share your gifts--you weren’t given that talent, or gift to stuff it in a closet, someone else can be touched by the great big AWESOME, take-your-breath-away God that we serve! And guess what... He is willing to do that through you. Now that’s humbling.